I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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