As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
