woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
