you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
