Jerry, you need to find god
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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