dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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