Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
