Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
