Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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