awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
