We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
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