He uses pillows to masturbate.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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