Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
