Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm like, not good at living.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
