What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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