Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
