Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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