Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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