My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
