I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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