How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hippo gnu deer
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
