what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Randomize
