if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
