I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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