i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
