If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
