I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
