Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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