if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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