He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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