watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
