'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
