My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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