Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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