I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
