I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
