I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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