Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
