in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
now i know why i became what i already was.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
