I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
