My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
