chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
