GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
