i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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