I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
