P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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