someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
