oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
