Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
