just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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