Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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