just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
