Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
