I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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