Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
